These words were chosen carefully

Are we still saying "awesome"? It was my adjective of choice forever and ever but I've found it dropping out of my vocabulary lately in favor of "fantastic." I'm pretty sure I picked that up from someone at work, who has a great way of saying it--"FANtastic"--that matches her personality perfectly. I use it in a much more straightforward way: "Seen Showdog Moms & Dads? It's fantastic." Isn't it weird how your vocabulary changes over the years? The other day I noticed that N. said something (that I wish I could remember because it would make this story much more interesting and worthy of being told) that I realize I say a lot too. I couldn't figure out who brought the saying to the relationship. Weird.

Is it wrong to be fascinated by the wording on product packaging? I never noticed my obsession till last week. I was eating out of a carton of ice cream (of course) in front of the TV (of course) with N. Suddenly, he said, "What's so exciting on that carton??" I guess he noticed I'd been reading the thing for a while. You know, they put the words there to be read! That's someone's job, after all. Maybe as a word-worker myself, I can appreciate that. Every little thing that exists was made by someone doing his or her job. That kinda blows me away a little. Like, the design of this Blistex tube, maybe that was someone's most brilliant invention. Maybe s/he went home that night and said, "Hey, honey, I just revoluntionized the lip balm industry!"

Hey, does a cherry bomb actually look like a real cherry? Just wondering, because as I was waiting for the elevator at work this morning, I noticed that someone had put a cherry in the little gap in the fire alarm box.

Speaking of work, it occurred to me that if my employer is so concerned about promoting TV-Turnoff week so we can limit a potentially hours-long sedentary activity, they should just give me an hour off my hours-long sedentary desk job so I can go to the gym! I just rememebered the other day that I actually BELONG to a gym. I couldn't tell you the last time I was there...and I don't even have a good excuse this time. Oh wait! I just remembered, I actually belong to TWO gyms! The old one came crawling back, begging me to renew again, so I did. It was only $99 for the year, so I figured, why not? I should definitely cancel that $40/month crap that's being automatically charged to my credit card every month, though. I'll add that to the intern's to-do list.

The sun'll come out...tomorrow?

So, like I said, I'm reading Dave Egger's new book, You Shall Know Our Velocity! and it's totally giving me the travel bug. I got my weekly Travelzoo email today, too, and that didn't help any. Anyone been to Los Cabos? There was a fantastic 4-night all-inclusive deal that's calling my name. Everything's calling my name, actually! Even one night in a hotel, any hotel, with a pool, sounds good. Speaking of, WHERE THE HELL IS THE SUN?? Don't I live in Southern California?? It's almost May, fer creezy's sake!

Just now, on my way home from the weekly dinner with dad, I had an ice cream urge (I found a great low-carb Dreyer's that only comes in a dangerously large size. Fourteen servings, my ass!) so I stopped at Ralph's. I walked in and there were about a million people all waiting in the two open checkout lines. I took one look at that, turned right around and said, "motherFUCKer!" as I headed back out the door. Unfortunately, a nicely dressed business woman was walking in at just that moment. I didn't get beat up in the parking lot, so I guess it was okay.

Meanwhile, here I am with no ice cream, and stupid Lost is a stupid clip show. That fancy Twilight Zone narration at the beginning didn't really add much, either. I've got Amy Poehler waiting for me on an old Celebrity Poker Showdown, so that's something.

Oh! Today at work that whole TV-Turnoff (I really shouldn't give it this much publicity) thing came up again in a meeting. Everyone, and I mean EVERYone, turned to me and asked if my TV was off this week. Seriously, people, it's just not my religion! My TV will be on for its usual 4-5 hours tonight, thank you very much! You?

Help Wanted: Inquire within

Oh, god, would it be giving in to TV-Turnoff Week if I read a book when I'm done here? I just picked up Dave Egger's latest (though I'm not sure how new it is, really) and it kind of sounds good to sit on the couch in the quiet, which I rarely do. I've just been feeling so keyed up and stressed lately. I wish I had a personal assistant. I swear, I had to write down a list of all the things I had to do within the next few weeks and they're all these little lame things someone being paid minimum wage could definitely do. I don't know if I'm lazy or just annoyed with all the little details of life, but really, having to buy shampoo at just the right time so you don't run out, and making sure you get gifts and cards in time for people's birthdays or Mother's Day or weddings or Bar Mitzvahs (yes, all of those. The Bar Mitzvah wasn't just for effect!) is just so annoying (not that I'm annoyed with the person...let's just make that clear). And I'm exhausted and my apartment is a mess. There's laundry to do and clothes to wash. Ugh. I wish I had that seaside balcony about now. And the wine. Oooh, the wine! I've become a total lush of late. And I like it! But that doesn't make the things get done any faster. Calgon, take me away! Sorry, it just came to me.

Anywho, I'm sure you didn't come here to read about my lame stresses, so let's think of some amusing anecdote I can, er, amuse you with. Uh...one time...there was...er...that thing...with the...

I'm just too exhausted. And my eyes hurt and I need to put a hot compress on my lip. After weeks of walking around with a lame lip wound, I finally took it to the doctor. Turns out, it's a blocked gland, which I need to coax open with hot compresses if I ever hope to have a bumpless lip again. I'm sure this was caused by stress. Damn stress.

Also, oh! I got highlights that I hate. They're growing on me but I don't look at them too much. I'm definitely a dark-haired girl and these suckers are too light for my personal comfort. No one's been brave enough to agree with my hate of them, which is nice, but who do you believe?

I would like some sleep. And some ice cream, but I think those things are not compatible, though I've never tried. Plus, I'd have to go out and get the ice cream. Where's that damn assistant?

Who's with me for TV-TurnON week? I thought so.

Urgh, it's the official beginning of TV-Turnoff Week. I could just barely pull myself away from the TV to tell you that. Someone left a TV-Turnoff pin on my desk last week, and I literally stopped short and stared at it in disbelief when I saw it. It was like someone had left burning poop on my desk, I was so offended by the sight of it! TV-Turnoff, my ass! But! Just in time for TV-Turnoff Week, "proof" that TV makes us smarter! Yay! (Of course, it probably doesn't help with attention span...I could barely get through the first page of that article. Did you say something?)

Speaking of 24, go, Chloe! Do we like her? I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to feel about the girl, but I did like the last 5 minutes of tonight's episode. I find myself short-attention-spanning with 24 lately. More than any other show, I find myself distracted by any number of things during it (Did I shut off the sink in the bathroom? I should paint my toenails now. Oooh, that trash should go out. Good thing we don't have a president that lame...oh, wait.).

Why does everything come in a box? And why do I tend to keep them around? I swear, I have some weird, inexplicable need to hold onto all packaging anything I've ever gotten comes in. Just within my line of sight now, I can see the boxes for my iPod and iBook (but I must need those, right?), the box for the newly purchased and just as newly broken shredder, the box for the Toilet Tree my boss gave me for my birthday, the box for the Donkey Konga game N. gave me for my birthday, the old Game Cube box, the box from the cable company that my computer modem came in, and several GameBoy game boxes. What's wrong with me? Wait, don't answer that.

Maybe I'll go into marketing instead

They TP'd the freeway! I had a sort of childish joy when I realized the slowdown on the freeway tonight was because of the dozens and dozens and DOZENS of rolls of toilet paper all scattered about on the road. I dunno, it made me smile.

Then I met my dad for dinner during which we discussed the pope, FDR, the Queen of England, Prince Charles, Star Wars, and the Bulls (in that order). Then I had a conversation with N. during which we discussed alternate, more appropriate names for dental dams, including Vagi-Shield, Protectagina, and Pussy Protector (in that order). Yes, that IS a little racy for this blog, isn't it?

Speaking of racy, I may have inadvertently sent my dad and very old great-aunt to watch what was possibly THE most racy episode of The L Word last week because I happened to mention that I saw our distant relative's name in the credits. If he saw it, my dad sure didn't bring up the strap-on/mutual peeing episode tonight at dinner! Sheesh.

Speaking of lesbian loves, I have a major girlie crush on Amy Poehler. She just cracks me up. So imagine how dumb I felt when N. told me that she was a guest voice on The Simpsons Sunday. I totally didn't even catch it! I must've been distracted by all the TiVo action on the episode. Anyone else keep thinking they'd sat on their TiVo throughout the whole damn thing?

Meanwhile, last night it finally clicked to me that Gretchen on The Amazing Race reminds me exactly of a crazy older woman I used to work with. But she did make me laugh out loud with her "We have a bad elephant!" line.

And finally, I think I may have to change jobs or be fired soon. After looking at a one-page handout no less than eight times over the course of several days, I found that I'd let the word "lighthheaded" go every time, just like that. Luckily, I caught it before it was printed. It's one of many lame-ass typos I've missed lately. But, shhh, don't tell.

Maybe she was sweet and edible

Ahhh, Vegas. That's what I expected to say by 8 p.m. on Friday. Or at least by 9 p.m. Even 10 p.m. would've been a'ight. But, no! It took almost 8 hours to get to Vegas! Why? I have no frickin' idea! I do have to say that we had a pretty good time on the way up. Making fun of people stuck in traffic next to you is a good way to pass the time. Speaking of, if anyone knows what Sweetable Eatables is, let me know. I should've taken the 20 bucks offered to me to ask the woman driving the truck with that logo on it what it meant.

Anyway, once in Vegas, we got to see the most disgusting thing ever! Have you heard about mass quantities of wildlife that've been drawn to the Luxor beam of light during the spring? Man, just driving up the freeway behind the hotel we could see the thousands and thousands of bugs and bats and who knows what furiously beating their wings in the blue light. Ugh!! Gross! Stay away!

We fit two buffets in in one day, ordered too much room service at 1 a.m., gambled a bit, checked out the new (and crap-tastic) "Hawaiian Marketplace" on the strip, saw the M & M's dressed up as Star Wars characters, took a nap (okay, maybe that was just me), watched four Bellagio water shows in a row (boy, did I have to pee after that!), and, er, that's it! The ride back felt just as long, though it was (a tiny bit) shorter. All in all, a good time was had. But next time, I'm flying!

Meanwhile, all this TV was building up on TiVo! I just finished with Showdog Moms & Dads, which continues to be the highlight of my week! My favorite part this time was one of the gay guys trying to get his dogs to stop barking by yelling, "Spray bottle! Spray bottle!" at them. Fantastic!

You know I hate? People. Well, just having to talk to them and get out of their way and have them be in the world when I'm trying to move around in it. Today at the market, three employees asked me how I was doing and if I was finding everything okay while I shopped. YES! I'm Fine! Leave Me Alone Already! Jeez! Then, at the at the checkout, the boxboy guy was like an echo of the checkout lady. She said, "What kind of bags would you like?" After I answered her, he said, "What kind of bags would you like?" Then, she said, "Do you need any help out?" I said no. He followed that up with, "Do you need any help out?" What the fuck? Is it just me?

A little bit sober, a little bit rock 'n' roll

You know how you get so totally stressed out that your heart just pounds and your hands turn cold? No? Really, it's just me? Damn. Anyway, I usually only get worked up about the dumbest little things that other people wouldn't even think twice about. I guess I gotta work on that. But I don't want to! I think that's part of my problem. I rarely put pressure on myself to do anything (I like to think of myself as "chill"), but when something goes a different way than expected, I can't deal with it. Is it possible to spoil yourself? Jeez, I'm lame.

Thank goodness this weekend is Vegas! Eclektra and Tigerpants (I really should get some friends with normal names!) and I are taking off for a ladies' adventure! It couldn't have come at a better time. I apologize now to anyone in the Vegas area who encounters my obnoxious drunk-ass self. I'll try to keep it under control, but after the week I've had, you never know. Sorry, girls! You'll love me drunk, really. Eh, you've seen it before anyway. I think that's how you got to know me in the first place. Come to think of it, have either of you two seen me sober??

Eh, that's it for now. I have to finish this glass of wine before I go whine about my day to N., who's not, thank god, the source of my stress, but rather the clear-headed visionary I sometimes need (he also said I've been mean lately, so I won't put a joke about him being clear-headed here. Damn, does that count?).

Thanks for listening though, I feel better now.

I wanted to fit "prik king" in the title...

Good news! You don't have to slap me…I got the iPod! I loaded it up and everything! Right now it's sitting in its new case in my purse just waiting to go on many an adventure with me (or maybe just to work). I've been inside an Apple store three times within the last four days. Not that I'm complaining, but I just kept changing my mind about what I wanted. (For the record, the Apple people are excellent with exchanges.) I think I'm all set now, and even got a pretty good-looking bag for my laptop. Now I just gotta take it somewhere.

I did something tonight that I've never done in all my 33 (ugh!!) years. I ordered food for delivery alone. Of course, this is something N. and I do practically every weekend, but I've never ordered anything just for myself. It was fun! A shout out to my new homies at the Siam Cabin on Ventura!

So, my birthday was good, thanks for asking! N. managed to entertain me all day and night and even left room for a nap in between. I can't tell you how much I enjoy a good nap. Isn't it weird to say you enjoy sleep, though? I was just thinking about that this morning. I mean, when you're asleep, you're not really aware of being asleep, so it must be either the falling asleep part or the waking up part that you enjoy. I think the best for me is waking up a little but knowing I can go back to sleep, and that little hazy part between sleep and awake. Yeah, that's good stuff.

I just watched last night's Grey's Anatomy. Much as I don't need a new show, I have to say I'm in! And to think I almost didn't go back after the first one! Oh, I also watched last night's The L Word, and was happily surprised to see a distant (so distant, I've only met him once) cousin's name as co-executive producer. N.'s always seeing a name he knows in show credits. Now I finally have one that he doesn't! In your face! (Boy, I'm feeling a little aggressive this evening. I better go before it gets ugly.)

No complaints here

So, a lot of my blogs are complainy type things. I thought maybe I should list some things that I like. But then I thought, "Nah, they're not gonna wanna read a lame long list of things like 'the ocean'"! However, I will tell you the one thing that inspired the desire to write the list (oh, sure, I have the list, I'm just not posting it). It was the opening of a brand-new jar of peanut butter. You know when you peel that foil lid back and there's that beautiful, creamy, unmolested landscape of peanut butter? And it smells so much of peanutty goodness? Ahh, yeah, that's the stuff. Anyway, I had peanut butter Monday and it was GOOD.

Meanwhile, I'm flush with early parental birthday money and guess what? I'm finally gonna buy that iPod I've been coveting! And I'm gonna buy it soon. Maybe tomorrow! But definitely by Sunday. If you talk to me on Monday and I don't have an iPod, feel free to slap me. (Remind me not to talk to you in person, you jerk! Slapping your friend like that!)

Hey, you know what I miss? The little 'delete' button PC keyboards have. Not the 'delete' button that my iBook has, which is the equivalent to the 'backspace' PC button, but the one that'll delete forward. I didn't realize how much I used that sucker till I didn't have it anymore.

Hey, guess what? They already paved that pot-holey street near me! It's really quite beautiful. Not unlike virginal peanut butter. AND, the apartment manager painted the closet. Everything's coming up Milhouse!

Eh, that's it. Maybe I should go back to complaining.

All this, and then Blogger was down!

Grrr...hear my rants!

1. Adelphia, the bastards! Not only do I get crappy reception from my digital cable but I am also now living without the internet. Without the internet! Me! Without it! Man, it was a long weekend without access to all my web errands. I guess I can count the internet among my addictions. Imagine if my cable went out at the same time! The Horror! Anyway, the guy on Adelphia's customer service line had no idea if it was an area outage or just me. How hard should that be to figure out?? He tried to set up an appointment for someone to look at my modem, but of course, I work during the week and won't be available on weekends for a few weeks. (Hey, did I mention it's my birthday Saturday? No? I didn't? How unlike me. It's my birthday, you know.) So, if the internet doesn't magically appear today or tomorrow, who knows how long I'll be without it at home? Oh, please don't make me think about it!

2. You know that small street you have to turn on before turning on my actual street? That little one with all the potholes? No? Well, trust me, it's there. Only, I guess they decided to fix it today, so they closed the street. Closed the street! This confused many a driver, as there were several of us U-turning and taking the only other way out of our little neighborhood there. Not only that but more than one school bus was pulled over to the side, making a call to what I assume was school bus headquarters, saying something I imagine went like this: "Uh, yeah, I have a pickup on this street that appears closed with no other way in. What do I do?"

Then I was stuck behind the SLOWEST DRIVER IN THE WORLD! I think he must have a lot of different cars because I get stuck behind him often, but he's never in the same vehicle. And sometimes he's a woman.

3. Paper clips. They just bug. I appreciate their design (Dude, whomever came up with that one was brilliant! I wish I could think of something that stupidly simple that would become indispensable in offices worldwide!), but I'd much, MUCH rather use a staple. The clips just grab onto to all manner of stuff that doesn't belong and add unnecessary bulk to my inbox.

Okay, maybe I was reaching with that last one, but I just had a serious clip incident. Maybe not serious, but it seriously annoyed me. Shut up.

Anyway, I'm feeling better, thanks for asking. I had a lovely weekend of meeting up with the college roommates for brunch and a tiny bit of shopping. It occurred to me much later that we're such girly girls together that we didn't even mention the very-recently dead pope in any of our hours of conversation. I'm not gonna talk about it now, either, but sheesh, we could've said something, right? (There, I said something.)

I also had a nice time not getting into the newly opened "Japanese Denny's" in Sherman Oaks. That's what we're calling it anyway, since the web site claims it's Japan's most popular restaurant. Maybe we'll get to eat there one day. When the wait isn't an hour. An hour! Sheesh.