Help Wanted: Inquire within

Oh, god, would it be giving in to TV-Turnoff Week if I read a book when I'm done here? I just picked up Dave Egger's latest (though I'm not sure how new it is, really) and it kind of sounds good to sit on the couch in the quiet, which I rarely do. I've just been feeling so keyed up and stressed lately. I wish I had a personal assistant. I swear, I had to write down a list of all the things I had to do within the next few weeks and they're all these little lame things someone being paid minimum wage could definitely do. I don't know if I'm lazy or just annoyed with all the little details of life, but really, having to buy shampoo at just the right time so you don't run out, and making sure you get gifts and cards in time for people's birthdays or Mother's Day or weddings or Bar Mitzvahs (yes, all of those. The Bar Mitzvah wasn't just for effect!) is just so annoying (not that I'm annoyed with the person...let's just make that clear). And I'm exhausted and my apartment is a mess. There's laundry to do and clothes to wash. Ugh. I wish I had that seaside balcony about now. And the wine. Oooh, the wine! I've become a total lush of late. And I like it! But that doesn't make the things get done any faster. Calgon, take me away! Sorry, it just came to me.

Anywho, I'm sure you didn't come here to read about my lame stresses, so let's think of some amusing anecdote I can, er, amuse you with. Uh...one time...there was...er...that thing...with the...

I'm just too exhausted. And my eyes hurt and I need to put a hot compress on my lip. After weeks of walking around with a lame lip wound, I finally took it to the doctor. Turns out, it's a blocked gland, which I need to coax open with hot compresses if I ever hope to have a bumpless lip again. I'm sure this was caused by stress. Damn stress.

Also, oh! I got highlights that I hate. They're growing on me but I don't look at them too much. I'm definitely a dark-haired girl and these suckers are too light for my personal comfort. No one's been brave enough to agree with my hate of them, which is nice, but who do you believe?

I would like some sleep. And some ice cream, but I think those things are not compatible, though I've never tried. Plus, I'd have to go out and get the ice cream. Where's that damn assistant?