TV is a sick girl's BFF

So, if you were forced to be on a reality show, which one would you pick? N. always says he'd be on The Amazing Race, but there's just no way I could handle the stress. I can hardly watch without hyperventilating about getting to the airport on time! And the claustrophobia would screw more than one Detour up, I'm sure.

If I had to choose one, it'd definitely have to be something without a lot of physical requirements and a minimal amount of drama (I know, I know, it's asking a lot). Though the thought of being cooped up in a little house with a dozen other people for months isn't that appealing, I think Big Brother would probably be easiest. Or The Real World, for that matter. I mean, that doesn't take much effort. Just get drunk every night, make some assumptions about your non-white roommates, and learn a lesson about gay people. Doesn't really measure up to my "minimal amount of drama" clause, though does it? I know for sure I couldn't do Survivor or Fear Factor or anything that has to do with dating (I mean come ON!). I sure hope this forced reality show thing I've invented doesn't come true!

Speaking of reality shows, have you caught my new favorite? Showdog Moms & Dads is just brilliant! Now, I was a fan of Showbiz Moms & Dads, but this is just a million-billion times better! It's Best in Show, but REAL! Those people are NUTS! Please watch it so we can talk about it!

What I learned from Oprah today: My body is not a trashcan for boys' sperm.

Let me tell you about my zzzzzzzzzz

So I really am sick. Last night my voice sounded like, oh, uh, something that doesn't sound like me (hey, I never said I could be creative and feverish at the same time). The day started at 6:30 a.m. with the alarm going off. Realizing that a day in bed would be much more productive than any attempt at driving and working, I called in sick. Then, I fell into one of those sleeps during which you're not quite sure if you're awake or asleep. For example, there was some type of truck backing up outside. In my sleep haze, I remember thinking to myself that the beeps had been going on for hours and that I hoped that Wednesday mornings weren't nonstop beeping days, whatever the hell that means.

Once I got out of bed, I pooled all my resources on the coffee table (bottles of water, a cup of tea, packets of Emergen-C, and a book) and got to work on the TiVo. I watched what felt like 8 hours of The Amazing Race. After that, I fell into another fever-induced sleep in which N. and I were competing on The Amazing Race but were only running around, getting into cars, and making plane reservations. At one point in the dream I actually stopped and said, "Hey, we've been doing this race for days and haven't done one Detour!"

Other shows I watched: Dr. Phil, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, The Simpsons (two episodes), Chasing Farrah (bleh, I turned that bore-fest off after 10 minutes), and the movie But I'm a Cheerleader. I had to pause it just before it ended because I felt myself falling asleep. When I woke up and pressed play, there were only 5 minutes left. Lame!

You know, there's nothing like an illness to help you discover how expired the drugs are in your house. I was happy to see I had cough syrup, but it expired in 2002. Advil? Six months over the expiration date. I also tossed out some Alka Seltzer, just for the hell of it.

Eh, I'm sure I had something more to add, but I can't think of it. I wonder if I'm going to work tomorrow? So sleepy. I wish I had zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I'll have the beef…with a side of cough drops

Have you ever dined at the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills? Yeah, that was my guess. Especially about you. Anyway, that's where my dad decided to treat himself and eight guests to dinner for his 75th birthday last night. There were at least two ingredients per menu item that N. and I could've used a translator for. We weren't even sure what kind of meat one of the items was describing! But, I ended up with an amazing beef dish (my dad, the Lakers fan, refused to consider the Kobe beef. Isn't he funny?). It came with a vegetable that at first glance I assumed was corn, but upon trying it, turned out to be something else cut up into little pieces to resemble corn. Still don't know what it was, but it sure was tasty! I sneaked a look at the bill when it came. N. and I took a four-night cruise last year for less than the amount of that sucker!

You know how your throat itches after you eat honeydew melon? You don't? Really? Hmm, maybe it's just me. Anyway, I thought I had that yesterday, but then when I woke up with a sore throat, I figured it might be something else. I tried to ignore it; then my boss sent me home early from work. Apparently my face looks the same color as my shirt, which is what the fashion designers like to call Pertussis Pale (look it up, it's funny). So, that being said, I'm gonna pass out on the couch now. You?

It's not a memorable weekend till you see a Friend

What made this weekend different from any other weekend? A celebrity sighting! I not only saw, but made meaningful eye contact with…David Schwimmer. He saw me looking and knew I knew him but I hope he also knew I was doing that thing where I acknowledge that I know who he is but I'm cool enough to not make a big deal out of it.

Meanwhile, I know I've neglected to talk about some things I said I would so I'm going to address them now.

1. The psychology of the pedometer. There's a new movement for people to get more exercise and become generally healthier just by doing more walking. The idea is to maintain good health by walking 10,000 steps a day (5 miles). You can measure your progress with a pedometer. I have one and needless to say, it takes a lot of effort just to get to 5,000 steps! But, when I do remember to wear it, I find myself pacing while waiting for elevators, getting up from my desk more often, and taking more stairs just to see the numbers go up. When I don't wear it, though I'd get the exact same health benefit, I feel silly doing any of those things. Lame, I know, but it's true.

2. TV Head. If I were a superhero and a period of time could be an enemy, TV Turnoff Week would be my nemesis! I was introduced to TV Turnoff last year at work. The idea is that you're encouraged to turn the TV off for a week and be more active. Knowing that I'm a huge TV fan, one of the big bosses challenged me to participate for the week. Ha! A week! After much "good natured" bullying, I gave in to one night. It was an interesting experience that I wish never to repeat again…but I managed to gloss over that fact in an article I wrote for our internal web site. Anyway, so TV Turnoff Week is coming around again soon and someone at work brought up this comic book that was created for it about a kid named TV Head. He watched so much TV that his head turned into a TV! All the other kids made fun of him and shunned him till he watched less TV. All I know is, if there were a kid at my school who had a TV for a head, he'd be my very best friend! I'd spend countless hours staring into his eyes and pressing his buttons (hee!).

3. Word for PCs is smarter than Word for Macs. I notice that when I use Word at home on my iBook, it doesn't recognize and autocorrect as many mistakes as it does at work. I'd like to think that the philosophy is that Mac users wouldn't need as much help with silly things like spelling, but I think it's probably more likely something like Bill Gates wants Mac users to produce documents with more typos to get back at us for not buying his stuff. Bastard.

Thing I watched on TV this weekend that we shall never speak of again: New York Minute, starring the Olsen twins. Yeah, so what about it? A friend--who shall remain nameless and even initial-less for the sake of her own reputation--came over, we ordered in food, and watched, so shut up. Oh yeah, and it sucked. But you knew that already.

They Might Be Gassy

So, remember how I wanted to be the girl who knew all the words to the songs at the They Might Be Giants show? Well, five minutes into the concert last night, I dropped that fantasy when I was reminded by two girls in front of us how that actually looked (Oh, I know, ME-ow. Screw you. Sorry, it's early and I didn't get much sleep. I take that back.). And, the one girl was there with her nonstop beer-drinking, loud-talking, bobbing-in-my-line-of-sight, GAS-PASSING boyfriend. Yes, I said gas-passing! N. and I literally had to back away from our little standing area toward the end there. Ah, nothing captures a great night out like the moment your own boyfriend leans over and yells in your ear, "Does it smell like ASS in here?"

Aside from the ass, it was a really good show! We stood toward the back, a step up from the floor, which certainly helped my vertical disability, but not quite enough for a really good view. I spent most of the time leaning far over a railing on my right to see. But, all that jumping around and bobbing for a view managed to put 1,000 steps on my pedometer. Remind me to tell you about the psychology of the pedometer one day (because I certainly won't remember). Two thousand steps equals a mile, you know. Or maybe you didn't, but now you do. Anyway, this has taken a turn I didn't mean to take.

I know I was going to talk about those things I said down there the other day, but as I'm sneaking this in from work, I'll get to that at another time. Hey, if you're reading this before 7 p.m. (I think that's right) on Friday, you can catch a free They Might Be Giants show at Amboeba tonight. Look for us!

Um, I forget, but I'm sure it has something to do with something

I'm just in from my weekly dinner with my dad, during which I tried to explain the magic that is iPod. I think he actually got it, amazingly, though the concept of buying music over the internet was baffling to him. And somehow he had the impression that iPods cost $1,000. He’d been in an Apple store with his girlfriend and her kids at some point and thought he saw a thousand-dollar iPod. I concluded that he was looking at a computer.

Here’s something I’ve been meaning to write about but I keep forgetting to (the irony of that will catch up with you in one second). My brain has not been working right lately. Things just fall out of my head, never to be recovered. I have the memory of a woman three times my age! And you know, I didn't mean this to happen, but I can't think of one example to tell you about. I'm sure I'll think of something later and then forget it. But, funnily enough, at dinner my dad and I were both doing the poor-memory struggle to think of the name of that deadpan comedian who does jokes like: How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink? Sadly, it was my much-older dad who came up with the right answer: Steven Wright.

On the way home just now I heard one of my favorite lyrics from a Destiny's Child (I know, not what you’d expect from me, but I can be urban) song called something like Bills (okay, not that urban): "…pay my automo-bill…" I find that very clever and Homer-like. If that’s not actually the lyric, please don’t tell me and burst my bubble.

Thing I had a problem with on TV last night: Okay, so on Fat Actress, there was a conversation about a dog between Kirstie Alley and the-actress-formerly-known-as-Blossom (I do know her name, I just choose to call her Blossom) in which KA mistakenly refers to Blossom’s dog as a “he” and is reprimanded and corrected. Then the dog is handed over to Blossom and there’s a quite visible and very large doggie wiener there! (Ha, I just thought of something…it was a dachshund—a wiener dog!) Anyway, why make such a big production over the dog’s sex when you don’t have an anatomically correct animal actor? I dunno, it just bugs.

Things I just remembered I was going to talk about (see what I mean about the brain?) that I’ll get to tomorrow: TV Head, finding a new name for “N.” and how Word for PCs is much smarter than Word for Macs (I think Gates has it in for Apple people).

Lost in Translation

Remember a few weeks ago when it did nothing but rain? And rain and rain and rain? Well, one day I came home to a completely wet closet. There was such an intense waterfall of rain in there that the paint was bubbling up underneath the wall into giant blisters. It was kinda cool, but, you know, not really desirable in a closet. Anyway, long story short, the apartment manager went up on the roof, “fixed” the problem, waited till it stopped raining, and painted the closet. Good as new. Then it started raining again. That’s when we found out that he hadn’t actually fixed the problem (thus the parentheses up there). My closet has been wet and blistery on and off throughout the entirety of this storm season.

Yesterday the apartment manager and I had this conversation (I should stop here and explain that he has some sort of accent from somewhere I can’t for the life of me pinpoint, so he’s not the easiest person to converse with. I’ve cleaned up his grammar here):

Him: How is your closet?
Me: It needs a little work.
Him: I’ll come tomorrow to paint. OK?
Me: Isn’t it supposed to rain tomorrow?
Him: Yes, but I fixed the roof.
Me: Okay, sure, I’ll be at work, but let yourself in.

Of course, today it poured like a mo-fo. When I got home, I had this message on my voicemail: “Hello, this is the manager. As you can see, it’s raining, so I will wait a few days to paint.”

Sigh.

Best thing I watched on TV last night: I just love those L Word girls. Anyone else I know watching this?

Thing on TV I had a problem with: Did Showtime know that two of their “original” programming shows would feature parodies of 9 1/2 Weeks within days of each other? Enough with the blindfolded, sexed-up girls rolling around in front of an open refrigerator!

Fresh squeezed

Good news! I’ve been wearing the correct bra size! This I found out from the Victoria’s Secret salesgirl who felt me up, er, measured me today. I didn’t ask to be measured; she just sort of held up her tape measure and gave me a “can I, please?” look. So, I gave the okay. What I didn’t realize was how much feeling there would be! For some reason, she had to count the inches on the tape by moving her hand along my boob. This in view of a leering (I don't think I've ever actually used that word!), sort of dirty-looking man, who I’m sure just entered the store to watch this hot girl-on-girl action. But, mission accomplished. I ended up buying something that’ll work for me despite my long-standing belief that V.C. is for girls who want boobs, not those who already have them.

Prior to that lunchtime date, er, errand, I’d been working on something about heart attacks. Did you know that one of the symptoms of heart attack is “a sense of impending doom”?? (Don’t even think of it, N.’s already reserved the name for his band!) How odd. I’ve been having heart attacks all this time without even knowing it!

Best thing I watched on TV last night: Oh, man, if you’re not watching Arrested Development, you’re really missing out. That show about kills me every week (without the impending sense of doom)!

Worst thing about TV last night: I didn’t get all my Sunday-night viewing in, so I’m cutting this short to watch The L Word. (It’s a been a lesbian sort of day.)

Mr. Smithers, I don't understand 2,700 of my new duties

I’m sitting here while machines do my work for me. The dishwasher is washing dishes and the washing machine is doing its thing. (I'd like to say dinner is simmering on the stove, but it's not.) All this, and I’d still like a Smithers. As N. and I were willing ourselves out of bed at 12:30 yesterday (more about that in a sec), I was wishing for a Smithers to come and get us up, dress us, and feed us. Hmmm, written out like that, it sounds a little like being in a nursing home. And speaking of that, for the record, if I’m ever in a vegetative state that requires feeding tubes and such to keep me alive, and if I cannot communicate with you in any way, I’m probably not happy. Go ahead and pull any and all plugs. I’ve now made my wishes known. Thanks for listening.

On another note, I love a challenge! (Actually, I hate a challenge. And confrontations, fights, effort, and learning, too.) So when N. didn’t believe I’d actually come up with a restaurant to go to on Friday, I took it upon myself to prove him wrong. (Do all couples have as much trouble as we do just figuring out what to do with ourselves? It’s hard work!) We went here, which was great, but I drank entirely too much sake (oh yeah, and had some beers when we got home). Thus the passing out on the couch during whatever the hell we were watching, sleeping extra late Saturday, feeling crappy all day, and napping a mere four hours after we got out of bed. Sheesh. I just can’t party like I used to!

Best thing on TV this weekend: Watching The Incredibles plus its extras on DVD. Ooh, and we watched quite a bit of exciting basketball. Go Bulls!

Worst thing on TV this weekend: Too many depressing debates over right-to-die issues.

It's raining food and porn

Funny thing happened to me on the way to dinner. Actually, it was on the way to finding an idea about where to go for dinner. I was doing a casual search on the internet for dining options when I came across a site that listed a bunch of restaurants in the LA area. Imagine my surprise when Crazy Girls popped up on the list! Crazy Girls for dinner! I guess I never pictured much eating going on there. Why do strip clubs serve food, anyway? Bleh!

Meanwhile, it's raining again! Make it stop! Not wanting to expose my water-sensitive hair to the elements, I went to the company cafeteria for lunch (I didn't intend this whole post to be about food, really), where they have a pay-by-weight salad bar. The thing I hate about it (hate is kind of a strong word, actually) is that you have to put your food on this scale in front of the entire line of people waiting to pay. I don't like people looking at my food! Could be just my own food issue. But! The total came out to $2.22, which made me very happy! I love dumb stuff like that, which means I get to celebrate twice a day at 11:11! (It's the only time all four numbers on a digital clock will be the same, you know). I can't wait till 11/11/11! Okay, I'll stop now.

Best thing that happened on my TV last night: Getting to see the South Park boys in sandals! I love when animated characters get out of their normal attire, particularly when it involves shoes. (Boy, I'm sure revealing a lot of my dumbass traits on this post!)

Thing that happened on TV last night that I have an issue with: Okay, so Julie Cooper starred in an adult video when she was "young," which we assume had to be before Marisa was born, which makes it at least 17 years ago. In that case, I have a problem with the otherwise very clever title of the video: The Porn Identity. Obviously, the movie form of The Bourne Identity wouldn't have existed to parody yet. I don't know much about these things, but I'm pretty sure that porn titles aren't based on books! Anyway, maybe the porn director had a time machine or something. Or was a closet bibliophile.

Your worries cured in one hour or they're free!

So, I did some random research on oceanfront property today. Yikes! To live in a beachfront home in Hawaii you need millions of dollars! That's millions with an s. Bleh. Though I'm not surprised really. On the other hand, I could get a mobile home in Pacific Palisades for under $100,000. Would that be so bad? I've seen the mobile home parks there from PCH...they do have an oceanview. I wonder who has the last laugh in this scenario?

I also did some real work at work today, which consisted of editing a tip sheet on anxiety. It recommended setting aside "worry time" for 15 to--get this--60 minutes a day! Sixty minutes of worry time! According to the sheet, you should write down your worries and tell yourself you'll worry about them at the designated time. Does this sound like a good idea to anyone? Wouldn't you get yourself so worked up in 60 minutes that there'd be no turning back? I'll take my worries as they come, thank you very much.

Speaking of anxieties, I have a problem with the claustrophobia. For some reason it gets particularly bad at amusement parks when I'm waiting in an especially dungeon-esque line, like, for example, Indiana Jones at Disneyland. Love the ride; hate the line! And N. and I had to leave the line for a Knott's Berry Farm rollercoaster because I couldn't take the close quarters. Boy, am I lame!

Best thing I watched on tv last night: (I should make this caveat now--since I'm dependent on my TiVo, half the things I'll comment on here will be shows that may have aired at a completely different time.) The new season of Project Greenlight. Ohhh, it's gonna be good! I'm already attached to the director, though I reserve the right to change my feelings when he freaks out, as I'm sure he will.

Worst thing about TV last night: Hmmm...Oh! That Lost was a repeat. Again! Damn you!

Happiness is a plate of cheese

So, I figured out what I want from life. Really, I did! Ready? It's just to be happy. When I came up with that brilliant idea, I thought, well, duh, could you be more specific?

This is what I think would do it:

• taking two to three nice trips a year
• owning a home
• living by the ocean in that home, with a view of the ocean
• watching the sunset most nights from the oceanview-having home
• enjoying cocktails and a cheese platter while watching the sunset from the oceanview-having home
• sharing the cheese platter with N. while watching the sunset from the oceanview-having home

And that's it! That's really all I would need. And a plasma TV, but duh.

Best thing on TV last night: Rob scamming other teams into quitting the eating task because he couldn't do it himself on The Amazing Race. Go Boston Rob!

Worst thing on TV last night: The Real World Reunion Special. I don't know why I put myself through that crap. Actually, I didn't. I quit when TiVo caught up to live TV.

Speaking of the TiVo, the switching of the cable channels went really well last night. That TiVo sure is S-M-R-T!

I don't want the world; I just want your half

I listened to They Might Be Giants' "Ana Ng" five times in a row on the way home from work today. Is that the very first thing you want to know about me? Probably not. Okay, how about this? I saw a person dressed as a Care Bear wearing a "Vote 4 Pedro" shirt outside the local Aah's store, also on the way home. No? What if I told you that I waved to that same bear (minus the shirt, which must only be weekday attire) over the weekend. It was spontaneous and I have no clue why I did it, but the child in me chose that moment to leap out! (Like I ever kept her cooped up inside!)

N. and I are going to see They Might Be Giants next week, so that inspired the multiple listening of the song. I just really wanted to get the words down pat. I wanna be the annoying girl in the audience who knows the whole thing by heart and can keep up with the frantic tempo of the song. I usually hate that girl, so I probably really won't let myself be her, but I did have the compulsion to learn that sucker. When I was a kid I'd play songs over and over, stopping every few seconds to write down the lyrics. I think I was having a flashback to that in the car today.

Best thing that happened on TV last night: The company I work for was mentioned during a sitcom. So was The House of Pies! (No, I don't work there. Mmmm pie boss.)

Worst thing happening on TV right now: I have to completely reset my TiVo (and my brain) because Adelphia changed practically the entire line-up of its digital cable system. Bleh!